Since I last ate.

"I've never been swimming.  That's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate." 
~comedian Artie Lange

I feel like a chest cold is coming on.  I want to take an herbal supplement that my niece recommended to nip it in the bud, but she told me, "Do not eat or drink 30-40 minutes before AND after taking it."

Uh... that's a tough window of time to find in the life of a compulsive emotional eater.

Could someone please administer this to me while I'm sleeping?

Food is my wubby.

Sometimes when I head for the fridge, I have thoughts to seek comfort elsewhere...prayer, meditation, yoga, affirmations...but I shove those thoughts aside and grab the food.  I kept wondering, why do I rebel like that? Then an image came to my mind of a child stubbornly clinging to a security blanket, unwilling to give it up.

It made me think of a scene from Mr. Mom, when Jack (Michael Keaton) wants his son to give up his beloved "wubby."  He gives a very clever and witty speech, so I posted it for Comic Relief  on my Reel Focus blog.

Food is my wubby, and I feel rebellious when my inner dialogue tells me I don't need my wubby at that moment. Oh yeah? Well, I'm not giving it up without a fight, so there!

Referring to Jack's intervention pep talk (see Comic Relief: Mr. Mom)... I wish I could toss my wubby into the fireplace like brave little Kenny, before I get strung out on bedspreads (or in my case, bread spreads).

Ever hopeful.

I started this blog to help with my healthy eating challenge in 2011. That year I posted 368 times. Last year, in 2012, I posted 50 times. That might seem like almost once a week...if only that were true!  In reality, there were months that I didn't post at all.

On December 30, 2011, I posted about finally understanding why I overeat (see: Day 364 -- Reflecting), and I set out in 2012 to work through some issues. It was a journey. A bumpy, knock-me-to-my-knees, journey. Halfway through the year, I was directed to write about my life (see: "Give me this mountain!"), starting with my earliest memory and working my way forward. (I'm almost done with the Third Grade now...that's right...I'm crawling through the process.)

Along with writing my memoirs, I was prompted to seek counseling to help me through the issues. I chose a therapist who was also a performer, hoping she could understand not only my struggles with emotional eating, but also the creative blocks. On the creative side she was somewhat helpful, but on the eating side she could not relate. At all.

I switched therapists, and that was an excellent decision. My new therapist immediately had me listen to a CD series by Geneen Roth, When Food is Food & Love is Love.  For anyone struggling with emotional eating, I highly recommend listening to those.

At the end of 2011, I had lost weight in spite of my frequent problems with emotional eating, but that's just it...I still had my problems of emotional eating even while eating healthy! On Geneen's CD, she said:

"When you lose weight [through dieting], you don't lose the reasons you turned to food to begin with. You don't lose the reasons you ate. You don't lose your sadness, you don't lose your sorrow, you don't lose your suffering, you don't lose your loneliness. When you lose weight [counting calories, points, carbs, fat grams...] you are still the same person looking out at the world through eyes that don't like yourself, through disappointed eyes, through suffering eyes, through eyes that believe you're flawed in some way."

What does she recommend, if not dieting? She has some guided meditations to help deal with issues about food and love, and she recommends the following guidelines:

• Eat when you are hungry. (Truly hungry, body hungry, not head or heart hungry.)
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspaper, books, intense or anxiety producing conversation and music.
• Eat only what your body wants. (Not what your eyes want or your mind thinks it should have.)
• Eat until you are satisfied. (Not stuffed, not completely full.)
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (Not sneaking.)
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure.

Does any of that ring a bell?  I was on the right track in 2011 when I challenged myself to eat when physically hungry and stop when full. 

In 2011, while faithfully keeping this blog, I lost 30 pounds. In 2012, I spiraled out of control while facing my demons with emotional eating, and gained 15. It's miraculous that I only gained that amount. When I used to eat sweets, I would easily gain everything back and then some. So I will take the 15 pound weight gain rather than 40.

Now it's a quarter into 2013, and I although I am still struggling, I am ever hopeful.  I only fail if I quit trying.  I will continue to heal.

And I'm ever hopeful I can be more diligent in blogging about my journey.

Body Image

Wow, it's hard to get started again after a long absence from posting on here. I had good intentions, and even wrote many a blog entry--in my head--but just couldn't seem to conjure up the time needed to post. I thought giving myself permission to post "first draft" writing (see: Back to the Dailies) would help, but it didn't.

I want to change the title of this blog to reflect on more complete health, not just healthy eating. I need healthy balance in my life, including mental, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual health. Just focusing on eating seems incomplete now, although during 2011 it helped me immensely.

Weighing on my mind lately is my body image. I didn't realize how poorly I viewed myself. Really. I became more aware of this when someone (okay, fine, I admit it was my therapist) suggested I keep track of any negative thoughts for a week. Prior to that, I actually considered myself a fairly positive person. Keeping track of my negative thoughts, however, took me by surprise. Nearly all of the negative thoughts that entered my head had to do with my self-image. I was stunned. By the end of that week, I began to wonder if there was anything I did like about my physical body, and after a mental assessment I came up with a few positive things, but even those were accompanied with disclaimers.

• I like my hair. But I wish I was better at styling it.
• I like my eyes.  
• I like my fingernails. But I need to take better care of my cuticles...and polish my nails.

Most everything else, I was not happy with.

So...I can find positive things to say about almost anything or anyone...but not about myself. I knew I had a few hang-ups about my body, but I truly did not realize just how negative I was about it. I'm trying to be kinder and more accepting of myself, but it's hard.

Last fall I spent three days as a "background talent" for an amusement park commercial. I could ride zipping roller coasters, but what really took an act of bravery on my part was donning a swim suit for the water park scene. Me? Be seen by cast and crew in my bathing suit? The thought was horrifying! And the thought of possibly being seen on TV in that state of dress sent cold chills throughout my body.

After much fear and trembling, I decided to face it head on. I took my swim suit and a pair of shorts to wear over it. When "wardrobe" came around, she must have sensed my uncomfortableness, and told me I could wear a pair of capris and a shirt. She did not want me to feel uncomfortable. But I told her I wanted to accept myself the way I am. So she suggested, "How about wearing your swim suit with a pair of capris?" I agreed.

That was struggle enough for one day, I think. I tried not to worry about my "lunch lady" arms. I tried not to compare my body to others. Not saying I was always successful, but I felt like it was a big step in self-acceptance. Yes, it used to be in better shape when I was young. Yes, my sugar addiction, although in recovery now, caused obesity which stretched out my skin. Yes, I'm fighting the ill effects of previous years of bad health habits. But I can't change those things. All I can do is move forward and do the best I can do with what I have now.

So somewhere in a commercial that will air this spring, I am wearing my swimsuit and capris and stepping out there into self-acceptance.

I might need a tranquilizer when it airs.

DAY 364 -- Reflecting

As the end of the year approaches, I find myself reflecting on this blog and the things I learned with My Healthy Eating Challenge.  When I started the challenge, I was in the mindset that I needed to eat healthier with more natural foods and less packaged, processed foods.  I am convinced that eating like this is the way for me to go, and I plan to continue. However, during the year I came face to face with the realization that overeating is a huge problem for me.  Eating healthy foods is only a small part of my battle; overeating is a major Goliath in my life.

Throughout the year as I struggled with overeating, I sought answers through prayer.  Help and strength came as often as I called out, but answers as to why I overeat came slower and piece by piece until finally a few weeks ago as I brushed my teeth, contemplating, the revelation filled my soul; and I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror, recognizing the truthful knowledge as both exhilaratingly freeing, yet painfully illuminating.

I wish I could report that knowledge was power and that receiving my answer released me from the jaws of food addiction.  Aha!  I know why you are here, dragon, and now you have no power.  Be gone!  But no. The answer opened a path that I must follow and I know it will not be easy.  In fact, it's been an even harder struggle lately to eat within the confines of hunger and fulness.

My apologies that this sounds vague, but what I am experiencing right now is deeply personal and I don't feel ready to share, as of yet.  But I will tell you that it will be a journey of self-discovery...finding out who I really am...what my core personality really is (before life events changed me).  It will be a journey to build my self-worth and to learn to like, or rather, love myself.

So it is, that I stand at the beginning of another year and another journey, and I wonder what to do with this blog.  Here are some ideas I've entertained...

• continue this blog (focusing in healthy eating)
• continue this blog, but with the focus on overeating
• change the direction of this blog to be about different aspects of personal health... healthy eating, healthy attitudes, healthy habits...
• end the blog with the end of the year
• (I considered starting a blog to chronicle my journey in building self-worth, but it feels too personal...yet, I can't help but wonder if it might help others struggling with similar issues.)

I would greatly appreciate input from readers! I will continue blogging in some form or another, but whatever direction I take, it will not be with daily posts since I hope to spend some more time with another blog of mine: Reel Focus.  It's been sorely neglected.

In the meantime, I have a fun post ready for tomorrow to end my count of 365 days, and then I will start a new year and possibly a new direction.  I hope you will give feedback, and stay tuned!

(I recently learned that some readers have had problems trying to comment, for some glitch in blogger or something.  You can contact me through email: sugarholicinrecovery@gmail.com)

DAY 356 -- Sharing an article

One of my nieces shared an interesting article with me... Dopamine: why "just one bite" doesn't work.


The article explains the situation I referenced in my post "Special Occasions" ... how allowing treats on special occasions opens up a can of trouble for an addict.

Food addiction is tough.  One has to eat.  I can avoid sweets, but how can I avoid food?

DAY 350 -- "Special Occasions"

Whenever the holidays roll around, it seems like I'm frequently asked, "You don't have sweets even for special occasions?"  Usually I go into my spiel, "I'm an addict.  You wouldn't want an alcoholic to have a drink for Christmas would you?"

Because of the recurring question, I've been thinking about "special occasions" and how for me, that would be a dangerous determining factor.  First of all, there are lots of typical "special occasions"... birthdays, anniversaries, wedding receptions, funerals.  How would one ever overcome an addiction if they kept imbibing for every "special occasion?"  But the real danger would be this... If I told myself I could have sweets on "special occasions" every day would have a reason to celebrate.  Remembered to use a loofah on those callouses?  I deserve a cookie.  It's Friday? I made it through the week?  Time for a treat.

That, my friends, was a mindset that led me to obesity and ill health.  Trust me, I tried doing the "have dessert only for special occasions" gig.  It didn't work for me.  I even tried the "just have a little piece or a taste."  That didn't work either.  I didn't want a little piece.  I wanted the whole cake.  I didn't want a cookie.  I wanted the whole bag.

I recognized my addiction and drew the line in the sand, which stays ... even during special occasions.  And that works for me.

DAY 344 -- Warning! Not for weak stomachs.

I checked a book out of the library titled The Secret Lives of Hoarders, written by Matt Paxton, one of the organized cleaning experts on A&E's "Hoarders."  I wanted to read it partly out of sheer curiosity, but also because I know someone suspected to be a hoarder (I'll call her Helga) and I wanted to understand her.

Ugh.  If you ever want to kill your appetite, read this book!  *shudder*  The following excerpt made me gag.  Warning:  do not read if you have a squeamish stomach.

     "... She guessed that her refrigerator hadn't been opened in sixteen years--there was too much clutter stacked up in front of it.  As soon as we cracked it open, two of my workers started vomiting.
     "The bins and drawers were full of dark liquid and two inches of green black muck that had once been lettuce.  We found black eggs, which at first we thought were carved stone eggs.  The food was so moldy that it had all grown together into one gnarly mess"  (p. 26, italics added).

Oh. my. goodness.

Paxton mentions that most hoarders (especially in advanced stages) are obese because they live on junk food due to the inability to access their kitchens for cooking.  Thankfully, that is not the case for Helga... yet.  She still cooks, and actually prepares beautiful, fairly healthy, meals.  (But good luck finding a clean plate or a place to sit.)

And now, after reading the book, I am worried about Helga's future.  The author states that hoarding becomes increasingly worse until the person seeks help.  Helga used to be somewhat meticulous in housekeeping and organization.  I loved visiting her home. But over the past twenty years I've seen her house swell with clutter and stuff she cannot part with. When I travel to her town, I can no longer spend the night at her place since the spare bedrooms are filled to the brim.  If this continues, what will her health and living conditions be like in another twenty years?

At this point Helga doesn't recognize the severity of the problem, and gets angry if anyone broaches the subject.  It's like that for any addiction.  We have to reach a point of wanting change before we can start a path to better health.

DAY 287 -- Answering questions.

When I posted about my 10-year anniversary abstaining from sweets (Sunday, Oct. 9), a reader asked some questions.  I thought others might be interested the my responses, so I hope she doesn't mind that I am using a separate post to answer her questions.

Q: Do you refrain just from sweets, or from sugar in other products like catsup and spaghetti sauce?


A: When I initially began my sugarholic recovery, I stopped eating sweets such as candy bars, pastries, sodas, and obvious treats.  As for other products, I carefully read the labels and if the sweetener was one of the first four ingredients, I didn't eat it.  If it was fifth or beyond on the list of the ingredients, then I went ahead and ate it.  I had a difficult time finding catsup that was low in sugar, but finally found one that was satisfactory to me (however, I can no longer find that brand).  Currently, because of "My Healthy Eating Challenge" I try to avoid all foods that have added sweeteners since I try to eat natural, fresh foods and very little packaged or processed foods.  (It's hard to find packaged foods that don't have sweetener added!)  I watch labels and purchase tomato sauce and tomato paste that does not contain sweetener.  Hunts used to make a spaghetti sauce that did not contain added sugars, but I can no longer find it so I make my own sauce.


By the way... I learned once again how important it is to read labels.  I attended a meeting last night where someone brought gluten-free pretzels.  I tried a few, and they were delicious. Then I read the label.  You guessed it... sugar was added.  I never suspected to look because typically pretzels are a safe bet!

Q: Do you end up having to do a lot of cooking to avoid added sugars?


A: I do make a lot of things from scratch, but I find quick and easy recipes, including recipes for the crockpot.  A few recipes I enjoy are listed on the Recipe Page of this blog.


Earlier in the year I posted a blog entry giving examples of what I eat for various meals.  You can check it out on this link:  Sample Meal Ideas


Q: Do you use natural sweets like maple syrup and evaporated cane juice, all-fruit jam, and stevia?


A: Because I am addicted to "sweet" I use very little sweetener in anything; however, when I do need something sweetened I use pure maple syrup (100% maple syrup), pure honey, or molasses.  I mostly use fruit for sweetening, either fresh fruit or canned fruit (canned in its own juice).  For instance I make muffins using recipes that call for very little sweetener (about 2 tablespoons of honey or molasses for the entire batch), and have added fruit, such as mashed bananas, to help "sweeten" them.


I sometimes use all-fruit jam, but I carefully read the labels because many of the so-called all fruit jams use fruit syrup rather than fruit juice.  I avoid the ones with fruit syrup.  


I don't use stevia, and someone suggested I try agave, but after reading various studies about agave, I avoid that too.


Once sugar was out of my system, I found natural foods to taste delicious.  I don't feel the need or desire to sweeten most foods.  As an example, I use plain yogurt, add chunks of fruit and some broken walnuts, and to me that tastes delicious.  If someone used to eating sugar tasted my yogurt treat, it would not taste good to them because their taste buds are used to sweet.

Q: Do you use artificial sweeteners?


A: No.  Artificial sweeteners are just as they are labeled: artificial.  I try to get my foods in a natural form.  But my main reason for avoiding artificial sweeteners is because they are still addicting to me, and make me crave sweets.  Plus they do unhealthy things to my body such as give me headaches, and make my heart race.  To read more about the reasons I avoid fake sugars, check out my blog post titled Avoiding Artificial Sweeteners.


I know it might seem difficult or overwhelming or maybe even boring to give up sweets, but it is one of the best things I've ever done.  If I could go back in time and change only one thing in my life, I would go back to my childhood and send the sugars packing.

DAY 282 -- Anniversary of sugarholic recovery

Today marks 10 YEARS of Sugar Addiction Recovery for me.  Giving up refined sugar was one of the best things I've ever done.  I've had some people tell me, "Well, I am toooo addicted.  I could never stop eating sweets."  Those people assume that I must not have been very addicted if I was able to give it up... they have no idea the hellish addiction I had.

How did I do it?  How did I give it up?  With Divine help in taking one step at a time, one day at a time, until those one days accumulated into ten years.

To better understand my before and after, here's an excerpt from the "My Story" page on this blog...

MY SUGARHOLIC STORY:  When people find out I abstain from sugary foods, they usually say, "I could never live like that."  They don't understand... I was not living before giving up sweets.  I was existing, but certainly not living.  I existed in a world of mood swings, depression, fatigue, sickness, anger, and self-loathing.  I had dreams, but no oomph to follow them.

I reached a point where I was desperate.  I wanted to be well!  I wanted good health!  I made appointments with my gynecologist (were my hormones out of whack?); an allergist (were allergies making me sick?); and an internal medicine doctor.  Surely someone would have answers.  In the meantime, I poured my heart out in prayer.  This was nothing new, but perhaps I was finally in the right frame of mind to understand the answer: sugar addiction.  Just as surely as someone could be addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to sugar.  I realized that addiction runs in my family.  Alcohol.  Drugs.  Sugar was my drug of choice.  I realized that just as an alcoholic needs to avoid alcohol at all times (one should not tell an alcoholic, "It's your birthday, go ahead and have a drink!") I needed to avoid sugary foods, even on special occasions.

When this realization hit me, I stopped cold turkey.  It was October 9, 2001.  I went through about a week of withdrawals...and then...the cravings ceased, and I emerged into a whole new world!  I felt alive.  Really alive!  

I am a different person.  Here are some things that changed for me:

• Nearly every day of the week is a good day for me.  I used to have maybe one good day out of a week.  A good day for me is when I am productive and accomplish tasks.
• More energy!  Sure, I still get tired, but it is because I have been on the go all day long.
• No heartburn.  Before going off sugar, I used to have frequent heartburn.  I kept Tums in my purse, next to my bed, in the medicine cabinet.   Now I don't need them.  
• Better sleep patterns.  I go to bed early and arise early.  (I never dreamed I was actually a morning person!!)  I used to go to bed exhausted, have insomnia, and never feel awake even after arising.  I slept in any chance I could get and the only thing that motivated me to get out of bed was the thought of something yummy to eat.  Sugary cereals.  Donuts.  I used to have a sweatshirt that read: "Start every day with a smile and a donut...the smile is optional."
• No need for anti-depressants!  Prior to discovering my sugar addiction, I went on anti-depressants (off and on) always thinking they would help me feel better.  They did not.  Since avoiding sugars, I have never once felt the need for medication--and what's more, I feel mentally better than I ever did during the times I used anti-depressants.
• Fewer skin tags.  I used to have lots of skin tags all over my neck.  Most of them disappeared when I stopped eating sweets!
• Easier to donate blood.  When I was full of sugar, if I donated blood I became very light-headed and dizzy.  They would have to put ice packs around my neck and have me recline with my feet up for a long period of time until I could finally leave the blood mobile.  It was embarrassing, so I rarely donated.  Now, they take my blood, I hop up, grab a bottle of water and free T-shirt, and I'm out the door.
• Courage to do hard things.  Now when faced with a challenge I think to myself, "The Lord helped me quit eating sugar, He can help me accomplish (insert any difficult task) too.  

Freedom from addiction tastes far better than any sweet.  I don't want to enter that bondage--the prison of sugar addiction--again.

DAY 175 -- My Own Worst Enemy

I have a cross-stitch I started years ago and never finished.  The image is a dragon  holding his poor smoldering tail.  The phrase reads: Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.


That's me.  I get in my own way.  I have so many dreams and goals, which can be a good thing, but sometimes I feel like I am running a race and then sticking my own foot out to trip myself.

I started reading a book titled We Have Met the Enemy: Self-Conrol in an Age of Excess, by Daniel Akst, and so far what I've read rattled me.  He writes that in our country, dangerous habits (such as eating the wrong things, overeating, smoking, drinking...) account for more than a million fatalities each year.  "To put those million early deaths in perspective: no armed conflict, present or past, accounts for as much carnage as our losing war with ourselves..." [YIKES!]


The author tells how puzzling it became as he investigated the problem of self-control.  "Is willpower something you inherit, or can it be taught?  Do people with anorexia or obsessive-compulsive disorder have too little self-control or too much?  ... And if I fail to control myself, then to whom or what have I abdicated the job?"


He lists many more questions, and I want the answers!  I look forward to reading the rest of the book, and hope I can learn how to get out of my own way.

I want to reach a point where my cross-stitch should read: Sometimes I am my own best friend.

DAY 135 -- Article about sugar.

I recommend reading this...

"The Dark Side of Sweet"


Very informative...made me grateful I gave up sweets years ago, and grateful I started to avoid packaged foods for My Healthy Eating Challenge!

DAY 118 -- Chewing on a thought.

I watched and episode of "Addicted to Food" (Oprah Winfrey Network) last week and have chewed on a thought ever since.  As they worked with the patients, the therapist indicated that eating behaviors were evidence of their inner child acting out.  For instance, a bulimic woman refusing to eat (and crying because the staff wanted her to eat her measured portions) and a compulsive overeater crying because she thought the food tasted bland and the portions were too small.  The way the patients were portrayed in the show, their behavior really did come across as childish as they pouted and threw tantrums over food.


The therapist told them that healthy food choices are made by the adult inside, whereas the inner child is the one that demands more and more food (especially sweets) or even refuses to eat.  


Ever since watching that episode I've wondered about my own eating.  Is my desire to overeat stemming from my "inner child?"  Is it true that only the adult inside can make the healthy decisions?


Yesterday I had my feelings hurt, and I wanted to run to food for comfort, but I thought about the adult decision to eat healthy and the urge left me.  Hmmmm.  Interesting.


I would love to know what others think of this inner child vs. inner adult regarding food choices.

DAY 107 -- Interesting TV show...

Yesterday my husband and I watched a television show that we recorded earlier in the week: "Addicted to Food."  (Oprah Winfrey Network -- OWN)  Here's a link to what the show is about:  http://www.oprah.com/own-addicted-to-food/Addicted-to-Food-About-the-Show

The patients battle food addictions ranging from compulsive overeating to anorexia to bulimia.  All are considered to be diseases.

I know I am addicted to food, and that's a hard addiction to overcome.  Usually with an addiction, the "cure" is to avoid the addictive substance.  For instance, with my sugar addiction I can refrain from eating sugar, but I cannot avoid or refrain from eating food.  

The show was interesting, yet a bit uncomfortable to watch at times.  It seemed like glimpses into my own life and symptoms... ouch!  (My husband said it was like picking a scab.)

We plan to continue watching the series.  I am extremely interested to learn what lies at the core of overeating for the addict patients, and how they "treat" that underlying cause.  I hope to gain insights that I might apply to my own eating.

Granted, I am doing far better now than I was years ago.  I am in recovery from my sugar addiction (over 9 1/2 years!).  I am eating healthy foods, and striving to pay attention to hunger and fulness signals.  This is my 107th day since I began My Healthy Eating Challenge, and I've had success the majority of time.  BUT, I want to know what drives my desire to overeat.  Why do I battle the urge to seek food for comfort?

I have a feeling that learning the core reason for desiring comfort foods will be anything but comfortable.

DAY 101 -- People noticed!

While at the funeral, several family members noticed my weight loss and commented on how good I looked.   

Having such comments at my aunt's funeral (my father's sister) was significant to me because it was at my father's funeral that I was almost at my heaviest.  As my sister drove me to the airport after my father's funeral, she told me (as kindly as she could) that many family members had been shocked by my obesity and felt very concerned for my health.  They feared that mine would be the next family funeral.  

Yet, I still gained even more weight from that point.  It was almost a year after dad's death before I learned of my sugar addiction and started my road to recovery.

What a good feeling to have others notice my recent weight loss, but it's an even better feeling to know that I am doing what I need to do for good health.  I hope to live a long, long time, but if for some reason I am taken from this earth sooner than expected, at least my family will know I was doing my best to be healthy.  I am glad that at this funeral I did not cause concern that my grave would be the next.

DAY 84 -- Birds of a feather.

I spent the day with the niece I've mentioned in previous posts.  We went to several religious classes together, plus spent time gabbing.  I enjoy being with her because she eats in a similar fashion.  She's not addicted to sugar, but she avoids it because she learned that her body does not handle it well.  She's also into health and nutrition; and has studied it for twenty years.

It's pleasant to be with someone who does not ridicule, or judge the way I eat...someone who doesn't mind sitting in comfortable chairs and sharing healthy snacks (homemade not-so-sweet muffins, vegetable sticks, almonds, fruit) rather than hit the fast food joint.  Some people feel uncomfortable around me because they want to "pig out" and they feel like they can't do that if I am around.  (I've had people tell me this--that's how I know.)

Sometimes the hardest part about eating healthy is being the "odd person out," so I thoroughly enjoyed female gab time with someone who "gets me."

DAY 82 -- Reflecting on regrets.

(Earlier today I added a note to yesterday's post and then kept thinking I had already posted for today!)

I've been reflecting on the difference in my life the last 9 1/2 years of recovery (from sugar addiction).  The difference between night and day, I am a different person than I was back then.  I rejoice in the change and feel very blessed...but...at times I feel a sadness that it took me 45 years before I actually started to live!  I look back and think about how I could have been a better mother if I had not been in a sugar stupor.  My kids grew up with a mother that was tired, sick, and depressed most of the time.  A mother that was morbidly obese and wouldn't let anyone take a picture of her.  I wish I could have raised them without the addiction ruling my life.

And sometimes I'm sad for such a big chunk of my life being gone before I woke up.  Since going off sugar I have lived a full life, accomplished many goals (including graduating from college with a bachelor degree) and I am so much happier and productive.  But I'm also at the age where things are starting to slow down and I don't have as many years to reach super long term goals.

I wish I could help others -- especially young adults -- recognize sugar addiction, and have the courage to change so they could be their best selves now and not have to wait for so many years and have so many regrets.  I wish I could give others hope!

It's interesting that in reading some of my old journals, I actually wrote numerous times that I was addicted to sugar, but I never did anything about it!  I guess I just never made the connection that as a sugar addict, I needed to treat myself like an addict or alcoholic and STOP!  I am grateful that when I was finally able to face the sobering truth about my addiction, that the Lord granted me the strength to deal with it.  With His help, I can do hard things.   

DAY 81 -- Making jam.

Today my niece (the one who is a health guru to me...that I mentioned in a previous post) came to my place and we made strawberry freezer jam using very little sugar.  We tried three different recipes.  One batch used 3/4 cup of 100% apple juice, one batch used 1/2 cup of 100% white grape/raspberry juice concentrate, and one batch used 1/2 cup of honey.  Each batch made nearly 6 pints of jam...so what little bit of added "sweet" is divided by that amount.  Not too bad when compared to most jam recipes that call for 3-4 cups of sugar!!

The last batch I mentioned...the one with 1/2 cup honey...was an interesting recipe I found on-line for Balsamic vinegar/strawberry jam.  Sounds strange, but it's delicious!  I think it will be my favorite.

I also bought a couple kinds of organic bread for us to try out... so tonight my husband and I will need to have a bread and jam tasting session!  =D  (I'm sure he won't mind!)

NOTE:   I want to clarify that jam...even my homemade low sugar jam...is high in sugar content because of the fruit and juice concentrate, etc., so I use it very sparingly.  As a sugar addict, I don't want to have anything sweet on a regular basis or it makes me want more and more and more.  For that reason, I limit my jam use and have it only about once a week (if that) and I use it in place of a fruit serving.  For instance, normally for breakfast I have some protein (maybe an egg or cottage cheese), and grain (maybe wheat cereal, oatmeal, or whole grain toast) and a small piece of fruit (half a banana, half of a grapefruit, a small amount of peaches in natural juice, for instance).  So, if I decide to add jam, I might just have an egg, a piece of toast, and jam.  No additional fruit for that meal.  Again...this is because of my addiction, not because of calories or portions or whatever.  I don't want sweets to rule my life again like it did years ago.

DAY 62 -- Sugar ADDICTION

Today I feel the need to stress that I am not preaching that everyone must give up sugar.  I gave up sugar because of my addiction to sweets.  There are some people who handle sugar just fine--they can take it or leave it.  Truthfully, though, I have not personally met many people who fit in that category.

When I hear someone say, "I could never give up sugar, or I could never give up caffeine, or I could never give up (fill in the blank)" I hear an addict talking.

My journey to recovery began with one day at a time.  Initially I told myself, "Just for today I can go without sugar and sweets," and when I made it through that day, then the next day I told myself the same thing, "Just for today..."  Then, after it was out of my system, I no longer craved it.  In fact, I have mentioned in a previous post that I try to listen to what my body needs and never once--ever--has my body told me it needed a cookie or candy.  It has, however, told me at times that I need some fruit.

This is my journey to healthy eating now, trying to make the healthiest choices for me every day.  Others need to find out for themselves what they need for good health and then be brave enough to follow through.  In overcoming addiction, I hope that I can help others by sharing my success and showing it is possible.

As for healthy eating, if the things I mention in my posts ring true for you, then consider following the same challenge I gave myself, or adjust it to your particular needs.  I'm not here to preach "give up sugar or die!" I'm here to talk about my quest for better health.

DAY 54 -- Avoiding Artificial Sweeteners

Yesterday I posted about my awkwardness when offered sweets.  Today's post focuses on artificial sweeteners.  I avoid those too, for two reasons...

1) Artificial sweeteners do awful things to my body.  Some make my heart race, some give me super bad headaches, some give me severe stomach pains, and some give me bad gas.

2) Artificial sweeteners are still addictive to me.  I am addicted to sweets so even if an item is artificially sweetened, I would still want to overindulge in it.

Combine those two reasons together and it can cause major problems.  The first Valentine's Day after going off sugar, I decided to buy some sugar-free chocolates for our celebration.  I ate the entire box of chocolates and was sooooo sick and in soooo much pain afterwards!  That was the end of that.

One time a friend of mine went on a fad diet where she only ate a certain supposedly healthy cold cereal for breakfast and for lunch and then ate a regular meal for supper.  She called me up one day and told me she was having severe stomach pains ever since starting her "diet" and since she knew I was into "healthy eating" she wondered what I thought might be the problem.  I asked if she was using an artificial sweetener on her cereal and she admitted she was.  I told her to STOP USING IT!  She did, and the pains went away.

I have another friend that wonders why she gets bad headaches regularly, yet will not give up her diet soda.

People ask me what I sweeten my foods with.  First of all, I don't WANT my foods very sweet, second of all many foods are naturally sweet and don't need anything added.  But I do put natural fruit like banana or peaches in my shredded wheat, oatmeal, and hot cereals.