Ever hopeful.

I started this blog to help with my healthy eating challenge in 2011. That year I posted 368 times. Last year, in 2012, I posted 50 times. That might seem like almost once a week...if only that were true!  In reality, there were months that I didn't post at all.

On December 30, 2011, I posted about finally understanding why I overeat (see: Day 364 -- Reflecting), and I set out in 2012 to work through some issues. It was a journey. A bumpy, knock-me-to-my-knees, journey. Halfway through the year, I was directed to write about my life (see: "Give me this mountain!"), starting with my earliest memory and working my way forward. (I'm almost done with the Third Grade now...that's right...I'm crawling through the process.)

Along with writing my memoirs, I was prompted to seek counseling to help me through the issues. I chose a therapist who was also a performer, hoping she could understand not only my struggles with emotional eating, but also the creative blocks. On the creative side she was somewhat helpful, but on the eating side she could not relate. At all.

I switched therapists, and that was an excellent decision. My new therapist immediately had me listen to a CD series by Geneen Roth, When Food is Food & Love is Love.  For anyone struggling with emotional eating, I highly recommend listening to those.

At the end of 2011, I had lost weight in spite of my frequent problems with emotional eating, but that's just it...I still had my problems of emotional eating even while eating healthy! On Geneen's CD, she said:

"When you lose weight [through dieting], you don't lose the reasons you turned to food to begin with. You don't lose the reasons you ate. You don't lose your sadness, you don't lose your sorrow, you don't lose your suffering, you don't lose your loneliness. When you lose weight [counting calories, points, carbs, fat grams...] you are still the same person looking out at the world through eyes that don't like yourself, through disappointed eyes, through suffering eyes, through eyes that believe you're flawed in some way."

What does she recommend, if not dieting? She has some guided meditations to help deal with issues about food and love, and she recommends the following guidelines:

• Eat when you are hungry. (Truly hungry, body hungry, not head or heart hungry.)
• Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
• Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspaper, books, intense or anxiety producing conversation and music.
• Eat only what your body wants. (Not what your eyes want or your mind thinks it should have.)
• Eat until you are satisfied. (Not stuffed, not completely full.)
• Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. (Not sneaking.)
• Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure.

Does any of that ring a bell?  I was on the right track in 2011 when I challenged myself to eat when physically hungry and stop when full. 

In 2011, while faithfully keeping this blog, I lost 30 pounds. In 2012, I spiraled out of control while facing my demons with emotional eating, and gained 15. It's miraculous that I only gained that amount. When I used to eat sweets, I would easily gain everything back and then some. So I will take the 15 pound weight gain rather than 40.

Now it's a quarter into 2013, and I although I am still struggling, I am ever hopeful.  I only fail if I quit trying.  I will continue to heal.

And I'm ever hopeful I can be more diligent in blogging about my journey.

Tired vs. hungry

Yesterday I almost fell for the trap of mistaking tiredness for hunger.  I kept dragging around the house and thinking I needed more fuel, which I was determined I would not give in to.  Thankfully, I remembered what I learned last year (see post: "More than halfway." )... when fatigued, I probably need more rest, not more fuel. Considering that I spent a very long day at the election polls on Tuesday, it made sense that I needed more rest on Wednesday. So I took a long nap and woke up feeling so much better.

I made it through another day of making healthy food choices, and listening to my hunger/fulness signals.  One day at a time.  I can do this.

DAY 353 -- Desire diary

This is from the December 2011 Reader's Digest:

"The next time you get a craving, ask yourself if you're stressed, sad, or bored.  If so, you may be eating to fill an emotional void.  Keep a "desire diary" for a week or more, and note your mood whenever you're hit by an irresistible urge to chow down.  If stress is your trigger, exercise more to relieve the pressure.  If loneliness drives you to the Doritos bag, call someone. Remember that true hunger is easy to satisfy; any food will do.  Emotional hunger, on the other hand often manifests itself in desires for specific things like ice cream and fast food."  


I added italics to the part that I keep "chewing" on.  First of all, "true hunger is easy to satisfy; any food will do."  That's probably true, to a point, for me; however, if I allow true hunger to go too long (what I call "beyond hungry") I become extremely picky because nothing sounds good to me, even though I feel like I'm starving.  A friend of mine experiences similar reactions when she's overly hungry.  We're both hypoglycemic, so I wonder if that has something to do with it.

I've struggled for years with emotional eating, and I've heard of keeping a food or eating diary before, but for some reason reading the suggestion of a "desire diary" struck me: I need to do that.  I'm not sure I will learn anything more about whether I'm stressed, sad, bored, or lonely, but I think the desire diary will at least help me stop before eating and acknowledge what I'm really feeling and hopefully recognize it's not true hunger.  Plus, I think it will be interesting to determine what specific things I crave for various emotions.  I don't think I've ever made that connection before...if I'm craving something specific it might be a manifestation of emotional hunger.

DAY 346 -- "We need to stop meeting this way."

We traveled to Idaho to attend a funeral for an 86 year old aunt.  This is the third aunt I've lost this year, and the fourth family funeral.  It's wonderful to see family but...we need to stop meeting like this!  

I wish I could report that I ate healthy, and paid attention to when I was full.  But no... I succumbed to the delicious homemade rolls.  And the funeral potatoes seemed extra tasty. And I couldn't stop at the fried chicken drumstick, I had to sample the ham too.  And another homemade roll.  

You get the picture.

Gee... I can't imagine why I feel so tired and bloated...(read dripping with sarcasm).

DAY 338 -- Food for the soul.

Tonight I am filled with wonderful thoughts of Christmas.  We went by train to downtown Salt Lake City where we attended a Christmas Devotional listening to wonderful talks about the meaning of Christmas, a short video about the Savior's birth, and uplifting music sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  I feel refreshed and refocused.

It's interesting that on the way to the devotional I thought about some yummy pasta leftovers I was going to eat later when we got back home.  We had the pasta last night from a restaurant and it seems like whenever I get it, I want to eat, eat, eat, way past full. But after the devotional, I no longer felt drawn to eat that pasta.  In fact, I told my husband he can have my share to take in his lunch tomorrow.

Refreshed.  Refocused.  And recommitted to eating healthy.

DAY 337 -- Rewiring the brain.

I keep thinking of what I learned on Biggest Loser several weeks ago... about how we can rewire our brain over a period of weeks or months, but our brain quickly reverts back to its old ways when we stop our healthy habits.  (Post: Obesity and the Brain.)  Maybe that's why Thanksgiving seems to set off a period of overeating that lasts until New Year's.

It's so easy to think, "Overeating this once isn't going to hurt me in the long run."  HA!  I need to wake up to that lie.

I do take courage in the fact that I recognize what's going on and I'm trying to get a grip.  

DAY 336 -- The pothole in the road.

I remember a friend telling a story or analogy about how a person goes down a road and falls in a pothole.  Then the next day she goes down the same road and falls in the same pothole. The next day, the same thing.  Then finally learning from the past she goes down the same road but goes around the pothole.  But how much better to avoid that road in the first place.


I probably messed that story all up, but that's what's on my mind.  It's like the phrase, "You keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting."  


I'm tired of falling in the same pothole when it comes to overeating.  I wish I could find a consistent way around it.  Better, yet, I wish I could find a completely different road.

DAY 335 -- Thwarted plans.

Today was a Christmas luncheon for my husband's work.  It was held at a steak house where they serve buckets of peanuts and fluffy white flour rolls before the meal comes to the table. We thought the luncheon started at 11:00 with the food being served at 11:30ish.  Because of other commitments, we were not able to arrive until around 11:30, so in my mind I thought it was perfect timing.... we would arrive in time for the food and I would not be tempted to fill up on peanuts (and I told myself to stay away from the white flour rolls).

BUT... we arrived at the restaurant and learned we were early.  Turned out the function didn't start until around 12:00 with the food coming to the tables at 12:30.  So there we were, sitting at a table with peanuts right in front of my face.  Plus I was really hungry.  I thought we would be eating earlier, so I avoided a mid-morning snack.

Peanuts called out to me, and I succumbed... but managed to avoid the rolls.  Nevertheless, I still ate too much by the time the meal was over.

I guess it balanced out though, because I ended up dashing off to a meeting tonight without any supper.  My lunch held me over all this time.  It's nearly midnight and I'm still not hungry.

DAY 312 -- Ignore the plate.

I recently watched a movie (You Again) where a male character wore a blindfold while eating his meals, explaining that the method helped him listen to his body's signals to tell him when he was full.  He told his family that when people can see what's on their plate, they don't think they are full until the plate is empty.

There is truth to his method.  A study revealed that subjects who dined while blindfolded ate 22% less food and yet their feelings of fullness were identical to when they consumed a larger meal without the blindfold (Obesity: A Research Journal).


I need to ignore the clock, and ignore the plate.  I am striving to listen to my body's signals, especially when it comes to hunger and fulness. It makes sense that it would be easier if I couldn't see my plate, but I don't think I'm ready to wear a blindfold while eating!

DAY 301 -- Renewing my goal

I received a coupon from Rodizio Grill for a free meal (to celebrate my upcoming birthday).  I forgot I had signed up a year ago for their birthday club.

Receiving that coupon, and thinking about what November holds with my birthday and Thanksgiving, I decided I better set another stickK goal to prevent overeating.  I completed (yesterday) four weeks without any money going to the anti-charity of my choice, so I renewed my goal for an additional five weeks.

DAY 289 -- Weight report.

For several months I didn't weigh myself.  I was overeating, and really should have weighed, but I neglected it.  So, when I decided to set a contract type goal with stickK.com, I figured it was time to step on the scale.  Even though I had gained some weight, I was actually surprised and pleased to see the gain was minimal.  I had not weighed since July 4, yet when I weighed on Sep. 30, I had only gained 2.5 pounds.  


Now for the good news... it's been two weeks since I started my contract not to overeat, and I've already lost 4.5 pounds.  That's fantastic!  There is no doubt that eating natural foods is the way to go.  With three months of overeating I only gained 2.5 pounds, and in two weeks of paying attention to actual hunger and fulness, I lost all of that, plus an additional 2 pounds.  Amazing.  


(For those who might be new to this blog... I do not count calories, fat grams, carbs, or portions.  I am trying to let my body tell me when it's time to eat and when it's time to stop, and eat mostly natural, very little processed.)


In years past, I've tried "diets" where I restricted calories or what have you, and would lose about 20 pounds, then gain 30... in a very short amount of time.   So far with My Healthy Eating Challenge, I have struggled often with overeating, yet I've lost 27.5 pounds since January 1.


My husband has lost 53 pounds.  PLUS, he no longer needs medication for blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid, or diabetes. 


Healthy eating, and exercise, really does promote good health.  Go figure!  ☺

DAY 284 -- Passing the pizza.

We attended a meeting tonight where they served pizza to those in attendance.  I passed on having any because I wasn't hungry.  There was a time when it wouldn't have mattered whether I was already full or not, I would have eaten at least one slice (and probably more) because I love pizza.  


I'm very pleased that I held strong, but I'm afraid to pat myself on the back, because then my hands aren't free to catch my fall.  I know I need to be on guard continually.

DAY 283 -- Oregano to the rescue.

Some friends invited us to their place for dinner last night, and she was serving a favorite recipe... lasagna.  In the past, I loved her lasagna and usually had heaping servings for seconds and thirds.   So, I felt a little nervous about going there last night.  Would I be able to stick to my not overeating goal?  Or would her lasagna do me in?

She had the food set out to serve buffet style at her counter, and I carefully took a small portion of lasagna. When I bit into it, I was greatly relieved... she had gone heavy on the oregano which (in my opinion) ruined the flavor.  Hooray!!  I did not even eat all of the small portion I took, let alone desire any more.  

(I am not a fan of dried oregano.  Whenever I use it, I put in less than half of what the recipe suggests.  I DO like fresh oregano though!)

DAY 279 -- My overeating goal.

Okay, a week ago I started a goal with stickK.com that I would not overeat for four weeks.  If I am successful, and don't lose money each week, I will set up another goal beyond that.  This four weeks is a testing period for me.

Overeating to me means... eating when I'm not physically hungry (feeding my heart or head instead of my stomach), and eating beyond the point of comfortably full.

I want to report that I made it through this past week without overeating!!  Hooray!  No money going to anti-charity this week!  HA!  Take that!  Mwahaha.

DAY 275 -- Escaping the Lobster trap!

Last night we went to dinner at Red Lobster with a group of friends.  Before leaving our place, I slipped into a room and prayed for help.  I knew the only way I could make it through the meal without overeating was if I had Divine assistance.


First of all, I worried about the cheesy biscuits.  I absolutely love, love, love their cheesy biscuits, and I've never been able to go to Red Lobster without having a full meal of those melt-in-your mouth delights even before devouring an entree and any accompanying sides dishes. 


When we pulled up to the restaurant, my heart sank.  It was Endless Shrimp time.  I felt like all odds were stacking against me... willing me to succumb and break my stickK contract. Silent prayers raced through my mind.  Heaven help me.


And Heaven did.  I ate one -- count it, one - biscuit.  Ooooo how I wanted more more more. But I held tight.  I ate my salad, and part of my Talapia (yes, I even avoided the Endless Shrimp!), then brought my leftovers home.  


Thank Heaven.  I did...and still do.

DAY 274 --

❝ I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why.  But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.❞  
~ Caroline Rhea


That quote enters my mind each time I find myself in front of the refrigerator, staring at the my visual reminder (the bow) and wondering, "Why am I here?  I'm not even hungry!"  


It amazes me how often I encounter this situation, and painfully reminds me of the ingrained habit of turning to food for answers.

DAY 273 -- Tied to be fit.

Sometimes I eat out of sheer habit rather than hunger.  Habits call out, "Time to eat!" when in reality I need to let hunger make that call.

Tied...to be fit.

Habit wants to reach out and open the fridge when I walk by, so in order to achieve my goal for stickK (to eat only when physically hungry--not heart hungry), I realized I needed a reminder to make me stop and think before reaching for food. I decided to tie a bow around the handles of the refrigerator. (The "bow" is actually a clever crocheted scarf someone gave me.)  Now, untying the bow gives me a chance to reflect, Am I actually hungry?  


Seeing the scarf has stopped me in my tracks more than once as I headed to the fridge.  The tactic works...so far!

Day 257 -- After things settle down.

Remember when I longed to stay put for a while?  (click here)  Well, right now as I type this I am on a plane bound for Sacramento.  *Sigh*  I will drive back to Utah in a vehicle we purchased from our son.  (We sold our one and only car as a mechanic's special, and we've been using a pickup borrowed from our sister-in-law.)

Sometimes life just doesn’t go exactly as planned, and it really messes with my eating routines.  I find myself living in an “after things settle down” mode.  I will get back into my routines “when things settle down.”  I will pay attention to hunger and fullness “after things settle down.”  My exercise will be consistent again, “when my life gets back in order.”


It amazes me.  Haven't I already learned that lesson over and over and over... that life never settles down?  I have a little sign on my computer that reads:

Write While Under Fire

It's supposed to remind me that I need to make writing a priority, even when things are crazy.  (I struggle with that!!)  I need to apply that to eating healthy too.  It needs to be a priority no matter what.

After things settle down.  Yah, right.  Be gone stupid phrase!  It ain't gonna happen!  Replace that mode of thinking with:

Eat Healthy and Exercise While Under Fire

DAY 245 -- It worked before...

Once again I am posting about a social eating situation.  It worked before...me posting prior to attending functions, helping me feel a stronger desire to eat with caution so I could report success.  Tonight we are attending a dinner with friends we have not seen in a long time. Their daughter is getting married tomorrow and their family and friends are gathering tonight to eat a catered meal.

It's tougher to go into such situations since I have no idea what will be served, or how it will be served.  Brought to the table?  Buffet style?  I have to mentally prepare myself.  I don't need to sample every single item.  And I don't need to eat beyond the feeling of full.

I will not overeat.
I will not overeat.
I will not overeat.

DAY 237 -- Waste not?

I don't like to waste food.  Just ask my husband.  I cringe when I see too much "meat" of the fruit left on the rind.  I use a spatula to scrape a container as I empty it, to get every drop.  As I mentioned in an earlier post (Last Bites Mulligan Stew), I even save the last bites of my meal when I get full.

However, when it comes to tasteless or awful tasting foods, I usually have no problem tossing. For instance, last weekend I purchased a watermelon from a local grocery store, not the market we normally frequent.  I followed my method of selecting the melon that always works for me... looking for a large yellow bottom indicating its time on the ground to ripen, and thumping for hollowness.  But, in spite of my efforts, the melon was tasteless.  Even salt did nothing to enhance the flavor.  It was very juicy, and real red, but flavor?  None.

So yesterday we bought a watermelon from Sunflower Market and when we got home, we tossed the other melon into the garbage.  I hope I don't end up in "the bad place" for wasting yucky food.  (Too bad we don't have a garden...we could have used it for compost.)

I did feel a bit bad about the money wasted on the tasteless melon, but I didn't feel like eating something I didn't enjoy.  When eating healthy, and eating only when hungry and stopping when full, who wants to use that precious meal for something that does not satisfy?  Not me.